Burned out....

Well, its the first couple weeks of my senior year..... I could shoot myself.... I seriously am just burned out.... My grades arent horrible, nor do I plan on letting them fall very much... but I just want a vacation.... Because even if I have a day off I always have something else to do. The stress is really getting to me because its my senior year, and everyone, AND I DO MEAN EVERYONE, is bugging me to make a decistion of where I need to go to college.... I hate having to tell them I dont know.... I dont even know what I want to be for pete sake! Dear God please help me!!! I've even thought of NOT going, but then I would have wasted all that time taking the college classes that I have already taken. I've prayed about this for so long and I have gotten NOTHING! for a while I figured that its not really something that God outright tells you, you have to figure it out on your own.... Now I'm not so sure... I dont know what to do! I've dug myself into a deep hole and there is no light at the end of the tunnel... And I have left God behind... I dont know what to do... I'm so lost... I cant talk to anyone either... My Job is corupting me, well, I think the influence of it... I keep going back to the begining of the road in my relationship with God. My friends are ready to leave me... I thought Friends were suppose to help you through your darkest times, not leave you because they dont understand you... Yes, I am different than I was 8 years ago, ALL OF US ARE! just because I am quiet now doesnt mean I dont want to talk to you.... I just want things to be like they were 8-10 years ago... I really hate my life right now... I feel like all my life I have been trying to please other people and keep them happy with me... I dont want that anymore... I dont want to have to be the one who is aleays wrong, just to make others happy.. I've never truely expressed myself because I am pitiful... I cant stand up for myself, I have such low self esteem its blending with the carpet...Everyone things I'm so happy all the time and that I'm such a good girl... I want to be that happy, good girl, I just dont know how to change the inside to be that.... The fact that I cant, couldnt ever get a boyfriend really annoys me as well... The guys I have like Are stuck up and only go for the skinny blondes.... I guess I dont blame them... I dont have the looks and I know it... And the jelousy probably shows through so it makes me even more ugly.... I miss God, I dont know how to get back to him... I miss my friends, and my family... I dont fit in anywhere at school... I'm in a bunch of leadership positions and none of them even reconize me as a leader because I just dont fit in.... All the others around each other are skinny and pretty and popular.... Whats up with that? Do you hate me God? All I've ever wanted was a really good relastionship with You, and to look good... I have myself for want that though... I know Vanity is a really bad thing but its so not cool that a lot of the girls dont have to worry about it because they have such natural beauty... I love being different, but sometimes I hate myself... Sometimes I just want to be like everyone else and have a boyfriend... I want to find the right guy but I am afraid I never will... I dont even know why I'm worried about it... Everyone says you are comming back in this generation anyway, so why waste my time? I'll be honest, I guess I wont really care then, if you come back, because it will be a marvelous day... But I guess I dont want you to come yet... I think I am jealous again... I want to live a life, and have a family... And then it gives me more time to witness to my friends... I think that it makes it really bad for me because I have a fear of rejection and failure... I dont want to witness to people because I am afraid of what people will think of me... WHY? I know it the bible it says that if we are ashamed of you you will be ashamed of us before you Father...

I just dont know anymore...