Reminiscing

I never thought I would ever say goodbye to a close friend.... I mean, I know its inevitable now... but growing up I just thought it happened to everyone else.. not me... Well, this year I had to say goodbye to a very close friend.
I've learned over the years not to say goodbye, because goodbye is forever, so when I leave someone I always tell them I'll see them later, not goodbye (at least not most of the time)... Its something I've caught on to thanks especially this year to Deven...
Feb 13th, 2011 will forever be stuck in my head... It has got to be in the top 3 of worse days of my young life so far... Oh, the day started out normal enough... I was procrastinating on writing a 4 page paper that was due the next day, and I had set aside the day to write it... of course, I was procrastinating on that as well, as was Courtney, who had the same paper due... We sat in the hallway for a good 2 hours I think, just talking about life and college stuff, trying to avoid the inevitable... Well, we decided to get our butts in gear and start working on the papers.. But I decided for some odd reason that I wanted to straighten my hair first... An odd decision, but I started anyway.... until about 3 that afternoon.... That's when I received the phone call that still haunts me to this day... I still relive the moments of that phone call and the events that occurred after the fact... The initial shock... and to think, I almost didnt answer the phone.... my hair was only half straightened, and I honestly thought that Sis Becky was going to talk to me about how I was doing and how church was going (I hadnt gotten to go that morning, so I didnt want to talk about it).... Oh boy, was I ever wrong... I ran to Courtney's room as soon as I collected myself enough to know what I was doing... Poor courtney... she had no idea what was going on... I was blubbering so much nothing I was saying had to be making sense... I sat on my bed and cried for hours... I talked with Shannon, and Reese, and Megan, and my grandma called but I didnt answer the phone... Honestly.. I remember when Shannon's picture popped on the screen of my phone, I was rocked on my bed and I was crying saying "No, Mom I already know, i dont want to talk to you!!!" but I answered the phone anyway.... Courtney sat there with me for hours, as I tried to calm down... She Ended up NOT getting her paper finished like she TOLD me she did... Her Philosophy is that Friends come before homework....... In very few circumstances do I agree with that... If they need you then yes... But anyway, I texted Deven to inform him I couldnt make it to the APO Exec meeting... I ALMOST went... but its a good thing I didnt, because Deven gave the group a lecture that night, and I probably would have ended up in tears.... Then I asked Deven what to do.. We had a very long conversation Via text, and he helped me tremendously... That night as well as the following weeks afterwards... Allison was one of the only other people who knew about the death before the funeral... I kept it very hush hush... Honestly, my roommate STILL doesnt know what happened at all, she was oblivious... I Honestly dont know what I would have done without Deven, Courtney, and Allison, as well as the people back home, but they were not there Physically for me as those three were... I dont know how I will ever repay them for their kindness and love toward me....I owe so much gratitude to them, and respect, and love, but I think that's how God is... they really reminded me of God in those moments... they were there in the times I needed them the most... Those are the moments I can see God in others....
The days following, though I can remember most of it, are still a blur... Monday was one of the worst... I didnt really feel anything... Much shock... It was Valentines day as well, not that it meant anything special to me... But I didnt go to classes, and I was basically forced to go to dinner, I did go to lunch, because I knew I needed to eat, but I didnt want to eat alone... I honestly cant remember if it was monday or tuesday, but whichever day the Obituary came out I knew I couldnt be alone... I ended up texting Deven and asking him to eat lunch with me, because I courtney was busy writing her paper, now that I think about it, it was Tuesday.... Because we didnt have classes, because it was a student research conference day....
I figured I had at least until the weekend until the funeral, but I found out it was Wednesday, so I made the arrangements to go home for the funeral... I couldnt believe it was so early... I honestly considered not going home for it, but I knew in my heart that I had to, because I needed closure... So Wednesday I came home after my last class, I rode with Reese, and we talked the whole way home about Memories and such... The funeral was nice, but honestly, I never really got closure, because in the state of mind I was in, I didnt realize it would be a closed casket... It was nice reminiscing about the past with Nathanael, Ryan, Shannon and Reese.... Looking through photo albums... Then it was nice to be able to go out to eat afterwards like old times, with a big group... We has a lot of fun, even if the circumstances were not the best... I got to see a lot of people I hadn't seen in a long time, but again, it was under circumstances I never wanted to come home for...
I headed back on Thursday... and thus began at least a month of not being myself... I honestly was pretty blank for the first few weeks... and there were days I would burst out crying in my room... Its odd though, as much as I did cry, Courtney is STILL the only one to see me cry.... It still hits me hard sometimes when I am thinking... It was, and still is a mental battle when I really get to thinking about it... I remember the conversations I had with Courtney and Deven.... Those were some deep, and some dark conversations.... again, I am so grateful for them.... they have no idea....
I cant blame it on this in particular, but I ended up failing one of the classes that I just couldnt get caught back up in, one of my Major classes.. I have to take it again in the fall... But that is life, and so it everything that happened to me... But its still rough....

RIP Benjamin David Stewart.... Aug 14 1990-Feb 13 2011... You were a great friend, and I was proud to call you my "brother" growing up.... I also never told you, but I had a major crush on you for years :) I hope you are dancing before God in all His glory... You were an amazing guy... I remember the last time I saw you, at Wayne, the last day of classes... I'll never forget your BIG eyes, that you finally grew into, or your contagious smile you always flashed at everyone... I pray I will see you again soon once I get to Heaven.
And since I don't say Goodbye, because that means forever, I will say See you later, Ben.